Happy Campers/Transcript
Brent Leroy: Yep, Owl Lake National Park, three days. Oscar Leroy: It's gonna be great. Lacey Burrows: I don't think of you as outdoorsy. Brent: What? I'm outdoorsy. I go out doors, in doors, through doors, I'm crazy doorsy. Oscar: We go every year. We love it. Me and the boy. Brent: Yeah, we love to camp, me and the dad. Lacey: That doesn't have the ring of truth to it. Brent: Okay, Mom makes us. Lacey: There's the ring. Davis Quinton: Goin' to Owl Lake? Brent: Yeah, it's kind of a father-son thing. Davis: Wish I could go to Owl Lake. Oscar: Well, you can. Just not with us. Emma Leroy: What's that? Brent: Davis is trying to worm his way in on our camping trip. Emma: I think it would be a nice idea. Brent: We'd be happy to have ya. Davis: Really? Brent: No. Mom's makin' us. Hank Yarbo: Whoa. Hank: Hey, check it out. Wanda Dollard: I'm not looking. Last time you said, "Check this out," you had a boil on your neck. Hank: No. Look. Every morning I get up and do my hair and it looks bad, so I put on the hat. But not today. Today, my hair looks good. Wanda: Hmm, not bad. Wait. Are you saying that you've had a bad hair day every day for 20 years? Hank: At least. Why do you think I always got that hat on my head? Wanda: To muffle the voices? Hank: Ah, I feel free and hatless! Today I'm gonna live! Whoo-ooo, hoo-hoo! Announcer: Good hair day! Brent: Geez, Dad, you call this a knot? It's barely a tangle. Oscar: It's the one where the bunny goes down the hole. It's a sailor's knot. Brent: Why would a sailor's knot have a bunny in it? There's no bunnies on the open sea. Oscar: It's like a pet. The bunny goes down the hole. Brent: It's a snake. And it goes around the tree and under the fence. Oscar: You're out of your mind. Here, give it. Brent: Get off me. I'll do it. Emma: It's nice to see you two having a little father-son time. Brent: Nice as in heart warming or nice as in gladiator blood sport? Emma: A little of both. Heart warming blood sport. Oscar: Where's Davis? Oh, maybe Davis won't come. We should go without Davis. Brent: Now you're thinkin'. Shove your bunny down the hole. Let's go. Emma: Oh, don't go without Davis. You guys will have fun. Davis: Hey, look. I brought a waffle iron. Emma: Well, try to have fun, anyway. Wanda: Tuna melt and coleslaw to go. I'm runnin' the place while Brent's gone, so busy, busy, busy. Lacey: Busy, busy, busy? Oh, come on. Wanda: What? Lacey: It is hardly busy enough over there for one busy, let alone three busys. Wanda: It's crazy busy. I woulda said four or five busys, but I don't have that kinda time. Too busy. Lacey: You have been sitting here for the last 15 minutes reading the menu, Miss Busy. Wanda: I suppose you have it harder? Hmm. Was that last order fries or fries and gravy? Lacey: I serve more than fries here. Karen: Hey, Lacey, can I get some fries? Lacey: Just a minute. I run a full service dining establishment. Wanda: Dining establishment? You're just above a greasy spoon. Maybe an eatery. Lacey: Oh-ho, this is an eatery. Look at all these people, eatering. It's a lot harder than being a gas jockey. Wanda: I wouldn't know. I'm not a gas jockey. Lacey: No, you're a gas jockey's assistant. Karen: If I could just get the fries. I'm in charge while Davis is gone, so busy, busy, busy. Emma: See ya. Oscar: Bye. Davis: This is gonna be great! Brent: Uh-huh. Davis: We don't have to make waffles the first night. The first night we can have beans. In the morning we can have waffles. I brought maple syrup. But I didn't bring blueberry syrup, because I thought, camping, we're roughin' it. Oscar: We're not going camping, ya jackass. Davis: Huh? Brent: He said we're not going camping, and then he called you a jackass. Davis: But you said we were going camping. We're wearing camping clothes. Oscar: Do you really think we'd go camping, together, with each other? Brent: Who do you think we are, Opie and Opie's dad, the sheriff, Matlock? Davis: But I'm wearing my camping hat. Wanda: What can I get ya? Hank: I'll have a, uh...wait a minute, what are you doin'? Wanda: Lacey and I were arguing over whose job is harder, so we switched. Hank: You mean like on Gilligan's Island or somethin'? Wanda: No, not like on Gilligan's Island. They didn't have jobs on Gilligan's Island. Hank: Well, whey did in that episode where the Professor made a bamboo movie camera and Ginger made a movie. An actor's a job. So's a bamboo movie camera maker. Wanda: Aw, Hank, grow up. An actor's not a job. Look, just tell me what you want. Hank: All right, all right. So, uh, I'll have a, uh, cheese sandwich. Wanda: One cheese sandwich. Hank: No, wait. That was the old Hank. This is the new Hank. I gotta take a chance. I'll have a, um...a grilled cheese sandwich. Announcer: Good hair day! Davis: Why would you play such a mean trick on me? Oscar: It's not a trick on you. It's a trick on Emma. You just got in the way. Brent: Mom makes us do this trip every year. Finally, we got sick of it. So now we just go into the city, split up, each do our own thing. Oscar: The fact that it's a trick on you too is just the silver lining. Davis: What do you do in the city? Oscar: I go to the library and read magazines. I got my library buddies there. Brent: Those guys are hobos. Oscar: Hobos ride trains. These guys are intellectuals. Roddy and Patches and Shy Pete. Brent: One guy's got a top hat with no top in it. That's not a hobo? Oscar: Ach! Davis: What about you? What do you do in the city? Brent: Uh... FRP Guy: Ha! The dark elf has resisted your vorpal sword. Brent: Yeah? Well, I'll use the Crystal of Xanith to weaken his magic armour. Huh? I'll show him who's vorpal. Brent: I keep busy. The point is, it's a system that works, and you've blown it. Oscar: If Emma finds out, she'll really make us go camping and that'll ruin our quality time away from each other. Davis: Well, don't worry. I can keep a secret. I'm good at secrets. Well, he missed big city life, decided to go home. Brent: In the middle of the night, after he burned down his own house. Oscar: Dorkus here can't keep a story straight. We need a plan. Davis: Look into your hearts. Oscar: Just dig. Brent: But I don't like to dig. Oscar: You're missin' the point. He digs. That's the whole plan. Davis: I like to dig. What are we talkin' about? Brent: Look, there's only one way out of this. We're gonna have to actually go camping. Davis: Ya-aay! Announcer: Davis goes camping! Davis: Good mornin'. The sun is shinin', birds are singin'. Oscar: The stupid birds woke me up. Brent: Oh, oh, ow. Oh. Oh, man, that mattress is like that thick. That thick if ya lie on it. Davis: It's good for ya. It's roughin' it. Brent: Cavemen slept on better mattresses. Cavemen who came to visit other cavemen got to sleep on better guest mattresses. Davis: Coffee? Oscar: Now you're talkin'. Brent: This coffee looks like a stick. Davis: Well, first we've got to build a fire to boil the water and make the coffee. Brent: I'm goin' back to my comfy mattress. Oscar: Me too. Way to ruin the camping trip, with camping. Lacey: Fill her up? Hank: Oh, yeah, thanks, Brent. I mean, Wanda, I mean, Lacey. Lacey: Still no ball cap? Hank: Yeah. Last night I realized, as long as I don't go to bed, my good hair day never ends. Lacey: Ah. Well, that's a logical assumption. So you'll just never sleep again? Hank: Well, it's either that or go back in time, and I'm months away from crackin' that nut. Lacey: Oh, yeah, time travel, that's a tough one. But not sleeping, that's just a bad idea. Hank: At least I'm not tradin' jobs with Wanda. That's a bad idea. Lacey: No, it isn't. Things are goin' well. Karen: Mmm, I'm glad you traded jobs with Lacey. This is going well. Wanda: Thanks. It's not so tough, really. You know the key to good service? Karen: I was being sarcastic. Wanda: Wrong. The key to good customer service is to listen to the customer, value their input. Alice (Woman in a Booth): Do you have any decaf coffee? Wanda: Yeah. It's called tap water, princess, and you can get it at home. Karen: Look, I don't want to criticize, Wanda, but this macaroni and cheese is really bland. Wanda: That's why I keep salt at the counter. Karen: And there's no salt. Wanda: Oh. Karen: Look, if you want some help, I like to cook. Wanda: I thought you were busy, busy, busy, because Davis isn't here. Karen: I don't know if you've noticed, Wanda, but Davis and I don't really do anything. Wanda: I picked up on that, yeah. Oscar: Do we have to do this? Davis: The portage is half the fun of canoeing. Brent: Really? You mean the whole thing's only gonna be twice as fun as this? Davis: It's not much farther. How much farther is it, Oscar? Oscar? Brent: Looking for these? Oscar: Yes, thank you. Brent: Nice try. Oscar: I wanna go to the library. I wanna see Shy Pete and Scratchy. Brent: Who comes up with these names? Oscar: Oh, Shy Pete does. They call me Dimples. Emma: Hey, Lacey. Lacey: Hey, Emma. Emma: Hello? Where's Wanda? Lacey: I think she's next door. Emma: Typical. Lacey: You know, some of these have three staples and some only have two. Emma: I need gas. Lacey: Oh. I'm sorry. Okay. I am on it. Emma: Huh? Why trade jobs? That's the stupidest thing you've ever done. Lacey: No, it isn't. Emma: Can you think of something stupider? Brent: Buy a pie, get a turtle? Lacey: They're cute. They're babies. Lacey: You know, I think I'm gonna rent the extended version of Lord of the Rings. The extra two hours might be interesting. Lacey: Hey, Mom. I'm movin' to Dog River. Lacey: Lots of things. Well, that's weird. The little numbers aren't moving. Emma: Well, when's the last time you checked the reservoir? Lacey: Huh? Emma: The thing underground that holds the gas. Where did you think the gas came from? Lacey: This part? Emma: I'll go call the truck for you. Lacey: Thanks. Emma, could you show me how Brent does his inventory, because I'm sorta confused about that. Oscar: Do you think there's owls in these woods? Brent: Who cares? Oscar: It's dangerous. They're predators. Brent: If you're a mouse. Oscar: Once they taste human flesh, they lose all fear. Brent: They don't eat human flesh. Do they? Davis? Davis: Well... Oscar: Why is this fire always blowin' smoke in my eyes? Brent: Because it hates you. Let's just make the best of it. I'll go get some sticks, we'll toast marshmallows. Davis: Let's sing a round. One bottle of pop, two bottle of pop, three bottle of pop. And now, the Yellow Warbler. Do you hear the difference from the Eastern Warbler? And the operator said to her, "We've traced the call and it's coming from..." Oscar: "Coming from inside the house." Davis: Oh. You know that one too, eh? Brent made a break for it, didn't he? Oscar: He won't get far. I got the car keys. Davis: Good thinkin'. Okay, this is a repeat-after-me song. There was a bear... Oscar: I can't believe we didn't bring any booze. Lacey: Hank. Hank! Hank: Muffins! Lacey: Go home. Get some sleep. Have a bath. Have a series of baths. Hank: Are ya nuts? I can't afford to get my hair wet. Lacey: Hank, your hair is all in your head. It's a psychological thing. It's one of your many psychological things. Hank: Ya think? Yeah, maybe you're right. Emma: I finished the inventory manifests. I just have to do the purchase orders. Lacey: Aw, thanks, Emma. Emma: I'll get it. Lacey: Hmm? Oh. No, you don't have to. Ah, I let her help me out. It fills her days. Hank: Willie Nelson! Davis: Mornin'. Rise and shine. Brent: Do ya have to hit all three sides of that thing? Couldn't you at least hit a biangle? What time is it? Davis: Six o'clock. Brent: Really? It feels like morning. Davis: I'm not gonna let you waste a whole day again. I've planned some activities. First off, capture the flag. Brent: Are those waffles? Oscar: Dibs! Davis: Ahh! Brent: Hey, you had two the first time. Oscar: Davis! Oscar: Hey, my turn. Brent: Davis! Brent: I'm not touchin' ya, ya can't do anything. I'm not touchin' ya, you can't do anything. I'm not touchin' ya, you can't do anything. Oscar: Davis! Brent: He's makin' a break for it. Lacey: Things seem to be going well here. Wanda: Well, I adapt fast. Adapt and overcome, like a marine. Karen: Here we are. Eggs Florentine with braised lamb shanks. Wanda: Well, marines don't do their own cooking either. Lacey: Not so easy, is it, smartypants? Wanda: Nothin' to it. I mean, a couple of people said they'd never be back, but, uh, well, that's the price of business. So, how are things where the real work is? Lacey: Corner Gas? Easy breezy. I have got it humming like clockwork. Emma: When you restock the shelves, put the older dry goods to the front, so they sell first. Lacey: Do you smell lamb? Hank: Hey. Notice anything different? Wanda: Yeah, we know. Good hair day. Hank: No, no, not that. I took your advice. I went home, got some sleep, took a shower and then no hat. Lacey: What about the second shower I requested? Hank: Well, things to do. Hey, today is the first day in the single journey that begins with a step, or however that goes. Lacey: Well, good for you. Did his hair look weird to you? Wanda: Like he combed it with a blender. Davis: Please let me go. I want to go home. I don't wanna wear my camping hat. Oscar: What are we gonna do now? If we go home early, Emma will catch on and it will ruin our father-son-away- from-each-other time. Davis: What was your digging idea? Maybe we should try that. Brent: Look, I have a plan that doesn't involve a shallow grave. Davis: Sir Lightmage casts a magic missile at the ogre. Oscar: Hey, guys. This is Shy Pete. Pete Stevens: You gonna eat that? Brent: It's dice. Karen: Hey, Emma. Emma: Hey, Karen. Karen: Chili cheese dog? Emma: Why would I want a chili cheese dog? Karen: I don't know. For some reason I thought you would. Emma: Hmm. Lacey's been working me like a rented mule. I didn't realize how hard it was to run that place. Karen: Well, It can't be that hard. Oscar used to do it. Emma: Well, what's what I thought. Karen: Okay, well, take a break. Let me tempt you with some of my famous avocado tuna sashimi. Emma: Oh, Karen. Just because you can't cook regular food doesn't mean you have to change the menu all around. Karen: Hey, don't insult my cooking. At least I'm not over there being a gas jockey. Emma: You think it's so easy? Wanda: You can't just switch jobs. Emma: She insulted me. Wanda: Oh, don't be childish. What's next? A Ginger movie made out of bamboo? Emma: What? Karen: Duty calls. Emma: How many kinds of meatloaf should I make? Hank: Ow! Ow! Emma: How's the meatloaf? Fitzy Fitzgerald: Good. But I ordered a cheeseburger. Emma: Well, eat the meatloaf. Fitzy: Can I have some pie? Emma: Finish the meatloaf first. Wanda: Emma, I'm new to the restaurant business. But if you let people choose what they want to eat they get less pouty and huffy. Emma: I made five different meat loaves. They're not gonna go to waste. Karen: Wanda, I broke the foamy. Wanda: It's called a squeegee. Karen: I broke the foamy on the squeegee. Do you have another one? Emma: What's wrong with my meatloaf? Wanda: It's in the storeroom behind the cleaning supplies. Karen: Corner Gas has a storeroom? Hank: I just want you to know I put the hat back on. Fitzy: Your meatloaf's good. But I wanted a cheeseburger. Actually, I heard there was sashimi, but it's not on the menu. Karen: I can do sashimi. Lacey: Did you get another squeegee? I got a guy who needs his windows squeeged. Hank: You can't force a good hair day. That's, that's what I learned. Wanda: I'll get another squeegee. Emma: No fair. If you go help Karen, who's gonna help me? Lacey: I'll help you. Hank: So it's decided. The hat stays on. Lacey: Can I get you anything else? Fitzy: Do you have sashimi? Lacey: Eat your meatloaf. Hank: I love and respect ya all. Fitzy: Does pie still come with turtles? Lacey: Well, I guess we learned a lesson. Wanda: Yep. All things considered, I'm better at my job than you are. Lacey: And? Wanda: And so forth? Lacey: And I'm better at my job than you are. Emma: Actually, I'm better at Wanda's job and Karen's better at Lacey's. Not important. Oscar: Hey, we're back. Wanda: Did ya bring me anything? Oscar: No. Wanda: Ah, I've lost interest. Davis: Ah, the great outdoors, where we just returned from camping. We were outdoors the whole time. Lacey: How was it? Brent: Excellent. Excellent family bonding and friend bonding, in the woods and what have you. Davis: I enjoyed the camping. It was outdoors, and fun. Emma: Why does it seem like you're lying? Davis: We played fantasy role playing games in some guy's basement. Oscar: Get a shovel. Category:Transcripts